MOTIVATION

I need some, in a bad way! There are many things I would love to do, but just cannot find the motivation to do any of them. One thing I really want to do is get back into shape. I was doing great for a while, but then I fell off the Jillian Michael's wagon. I really like how she organizes her workouts, but I find myself bored with sitting in front of a t.v. doing the same thing over and over. I like to get into shape when it involves doing things I like to do. I like to exercise, but more when its doing something fun like riding a bike, or running, yes I said running. I want to start running, and eventually run in a marathon. That is a goal of mine. Here is the problem, I cannot find the motivation. Perhaps I don't want it bad enough, or I want it, but don't want to put the work in. There are things that need to get done around the house, somethings that need fixing up, but I don't have the motivation nor the energy to do anything. Maybe that's what being a parent is like. I spend a lot of energy, which I don't mind, chasing around a very mobile 9 month old. Not to mention the fact that most nights we don't get very much sleep because according to my daughter sleep is an option!

Anyway the point is I need motivation and don't have any. If any readers out there have any to pass along, please do! For now I guess I am just stuck in this rut, but I will get out. I have no doubt that I will do what I have my mind set on, it just might take a bit of time!

September

Today is the first day of September. I like this day, mainly because its my birthday, but also because Fall starts. Don't get me wrong, I love summer, but I think I love fall just as much! The only downside to fall is the season that follows it! Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. That season should not be mentioned until the day that white stuff starts to fall. I am not about to take the blame for that disgusting season to start earlier than it has to, all because I mentioned it here! Anyway, fall is such a nice season with all it's bright colors. I also love that you can wear a sweater with no jacket! I love sweater season!

I would like to say I love September because that is when school starts, however since I did not get into school, I cannot say that! I guess the nursing program is full and I did not get off the wait list. So that means I get to look for a full time job! OOHHH I am so excited. (insert sarcasm here). I don't mind working, its just that I would rather be in school for something I really want to do. The job I find now just seems like a waste of time! I am 32 today. I feel like my life is beginning later and later. Not that it has started it some aspects. I love my husband and daughter. I am grateful for the house we were able to buy. What I mean is now that I have to wait for another year to get into school. That means another three years until I can begin my career and another 4 or 5 years until we can expand our family! It just seems like, some days, I am going nowhere fast! Well that is the end of my pity party, I promise.

I am going to go out and fun today. I am not sure what we are doing, but it won't be sitting around here all day! My husband and daughter are both sick so it won't be anything too wild and crazy, but just go have fun as a family!

OUCH!

OUCH, is all I have to say about getting back into shape. After not being at the gym for a couple of months, I decided it was time to get back into it! I bought Jillian Michael's (you know the girl from the biggest loser who is mean and makes everyone cry), DVD and I am the one who is crying. It is a 30 day shred. So you workout with her for 20 minutes a day for 30 days, and she guarantees you will lose weight. I am starting day 4 today, and quite frankly I am scared. I am still on the first level, there are three, and you move up when you feel comfortable. I won't be moving for a while. So I do the same exercises each day, but each day I feel the pain! I miss being in shape. It is much easier to maintain. Getting into shape is rough! Every body part, and even ones I didn't know I had, hurt...a lot!! I cannot give up though, I need to get back into shape. It's not even about losing the weight, but about being healthy, and more importantly being around for my daughter. My husband is doing the workout as well. We are both feeling the pain! All I can say is better pay off, eventually!

Just when you think you have gotten ahead....

Just when you think you have gotten ahead, BAM, the universe turns against you. We had a flood while we were on vacation. The insurance settlement is finally on its way and its a lot more than we expected. Of course this is a good thing. We have many plans on how to distribute the money. We are going to be responsible with it. We were all hyped up to pay off some debt. That is until the car gods decided to screw us! We have a 2o year old car. We have already put tons of money into it, and now it looks like we need to use some of our insurance settlement to fix the dumb thing! I am being optimistic in that it won't cost a lot of money, but since it won't start, I am assuming it's going to be a lot. The dumb car won't start! This is no minor thing! The kicker about this whole thing is that we are not keeping this car for much longer. We are getting, a new to us, car in a month and a half! I am so freaking annoyed that we have to spend money on something we are not planning on keeping!! So now we have to spend a lot of money that we don't have right now, which means we will have to borrow it until we get our insurance settlement and we have to wait until Monday to get our car fixed. This means that for three days we are stuck at home, and of course we don't live in town! AWSOME!

I am also super stressed out because my chemistry exam is coming up in two weeks. I am not good at chemistry, but what's more stressful is that I thought I was good at biology and it turns out that I barely passed the whole course. I thought I did alright on the exam and assignments, but nope I passed by the skin of my teeth! Not a great feeling considering the field I want to study which is all about biology! I try to tell myself that it was a correspondence class with no instructor and that for being a new student to this I did pretty well. Some days it works, and some days it doesn't!

Anyway this is my annoyed rant! I hope tomorrow will be a better mood day!

Home Sweet Home

I love going on vacation. It was nice to see my family, and especially see them meet my sweet little baby! Of course they adored her, who wouldn't! As nice as it is to go on vacation, it is just as nice, sometimes even better, to come home! Even with all the problems we had when we got home, it was still nice to arrive! While we were away our basement flooded. Thankfully the cleanup and insurance claim was being taken care of while we were gone. We had a lot of things replaced. Perhaps it was better it happened while we were away. I am sure living without water is not much fun. The water is out of the basement and our hot water tank (the source of the flood) has been replaced. We now are patiently waiting for our insurance claim to progress so we can purchase a new washer and dryer, and a new deep freeze. I hope a new washer and dryer appear soon as we have a lot of laundry to do, especially with cloth diapers.

When we arrived home, we discovered our car did not work. Apparently the parking brake seized. A lesson to all you standard drivers, if you go away for a long period of time, make sure you have someone drive your car, or at least release the parking brake from time to time. Our mechanic told us to drive it back and forth and it would release easy. This was not the case. After ruining our driveway, we figured out that the advice we were given was not as easy as once thought. So my husband had to take the wheel off to release the brake! This wouldn't have been so bad had we realized this at the beginning. For 24 hours we were without a car. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but we had no food in our house, and a screaming 7 month old baby. The little munchkin was so out of whack and so tired that we ended up taking her to the emergency room because we were unsure as to why she had been crying for 6 hours. We thought maybe she had an ear infection from the plane ride. Anyway without a car we had to think fast. At 1230 am we borrowed a neighbor's car, and drove into town to the hospital. It turns out there was nothing wrong, thank goodness! At 2 am we thought it would be a good idea to get some groceries since we weren't sure how long we be without a car. Thank goodness for a 24 hour Sobeys!

We tried for 6 hours to put the little munchkin to sleep, or at least ease, but nothing was working. Finally, at 4 am the little munchkin calmed down and fell asleep. The time change was taking it's toll. 3 hours is a big time change for such a little girl. We have been home for three days and we are still not quite back to normal.

I hope things get back to normal soon. I still have a biology exam to study for, and a chem assignment to finish. I have tried studying everyday since we have been home, but I just can't seem to get into the groove. I think I need to just recover from the jet lag, and start fresh this weekend, once I have had more sleep.

Finally here

Well we finally made it to Alberta! It has been a long wait for my parents to meet our sweet little munchkin! Like most grandparents they adore her, and of course why shouldn't they! We are having a great time here! We haven't been doing anything too wild and crazy, but yesterday we went to the zoo. The little monkey seemed to enjoy herself! There were so many animals to look at, and due to her age, she was mostly interested in chewing on things and babbling. I am quite certain she took it all in, but some things take priority. Today we are going to Heritage Park.

It's crazy how out of whack little babies can get when travelling. A new environment, new time zone, new smells, and people make for a cranky baby! Actually she wasn't that bad, but compared to her normal bubbly self, she was cranky! Sleeping has been a little bit of an issue. She is sleeping in a play pen, but on the floor, which she is not used to. She goes to sleep fine in the beginning, but then for some reason wakes up and ends up in our bed. This means that one of us, my husband or I, ends up sleeping in another bed for the remainder of the night. She doesn't normally wake up in the middle of the night to eat, or otherwise, but due to the change in sleeping arrangements, perhaps she just needs a little comforting! I can understand that, and have to appreciate it. One night she was really upset, and it was stressing me out that she was crying. We are staying at my parents house afterall, and I was worried everyone was being kept awake, and that caused me to be a little annoyed! I know its not her fault she was upset and just needed a little TLC, but I was way overtired. My sweet husband took her, rocked her and told me to leave the room. I have learned that her needs are more important than my stressing about what others think, and that my parents don't care if she cries. She is a baby, that is what she does! We are leaving for B.C on Sunday to visit more family. I am excited about that trip as well.
I am excited about going to the Stampede. I hope time allows us to get there at least one day, just to walk around and take in the sights. I love the stampede and have been going for years. When I lived here, it was my favorite time of year! I think I am one of the few Albertans who still love this tradition. Yes its busy and noisy, but its awsome. The food is awsome, the exhibits are amazing and the people watching is out of this world!

What to say?

What do you say when you have a frustrated and somewhat lost loved one?! I have a loved one that is frustrated with their career choices, and what path they should take. The career he has done up to date has been somewhat successful, but not satisfying. Now lost and confused on what career path he should take next, I feel terrible because I have no answers and no advice. I am there for him, and of course my support in whatever he chooses is there, but I feel helpless in his time of pain. I hate not knowing the perfect thing to say, or do. I guess my support and love will have to do for now!

Feels Good!

It feels so good to be able to get things out in the open, things that have been bothering me for quite some time! I love my in-laws, they are great people, they are not what or who I have the problem with, its the duration of their stay. 2 months is a long time for anyone to stay in your space. I hate to vent, especially because they do so much for my family, but people, like me need space. I don't like to be alone very often, so that should give you an idea about how much they are in my space. Anyway I finally told my significant other, along with a lot of other things, that that was a long time for his parents to stay. He understands where I am coming from, and acknowledged my feelings which was what I felt was lacking. I felt that I couldn't talk to him about this, I thought he would be upset. I should know my husband better than that. I am glad I talked to him. Things seem like they are back to normal, or as close as possible until the in-laws leave. I am grateful that my daughter will know her grandparents well. I hope she knows the other side just as much. They treat her so well, and I am thankful for that!

Guilt

Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut?! You know my question about whether people should blog about whatever they want and not worry about other people's feelings, well forget that idea. Tonight I feel like a big ball of crap. It all started with the idea of getting my daughter baptized. At first I was against the idea because I don't agree with most of what man made religion has to say. I was doing it to appease my in-laws. As time went on I accepted that she was going to get baptized and I am actually looking forward to it. However, in the process I had to state my opinions, probably more than I should have, and now I think I have made my MIL feel like she pressured us into this. I don't want her to feel like this at all. I didn't go on a huge rant about how I feel, I just told her some things I didn't agree with. I should have just shut up and got on with it. I am sitting here in a pile of tears because I feel so guilty! I guess the only way to make amends with the situation is to thank her for all her hard work in making this day possible! My in-laws have done so much for us, yet I find myself not appreciating everything all the time! I want everyone to know I DO appreciate them and all they do! Sometimes we just don't see eye to eye on things! I do think everyone has the right to an opinion, to their own voice, however there is a place and a time, and sometimes I don't always know when that is!

While sitting here guilty, I wonder how people do things and not feel any guilt at all. It is amazing how my body can be consumed in guilt at the drop of a hat. I sometimes feel so guilty about things, it physically hurts! I just don't understand how some people don't feel this at all. Is it a chemical imbalance? Anyway I am going to do something to take my mind off of it, get a good sleep and remedy the situation tomorrow.

Thanks for listening world!

Saturday thoughts

Not a very exciting title, so I don't blame you if you don't read. I didn't really pull you in with anything that would wow you! I just wanted to say how much I miss my mom today. I miss her everyday, but today, for some reason is harder than yesterday! I know she is around watching me, but that doesn't make it easier! It has been almost 7 months since she died and it seems like an eternity ago, but at the same time not that long ago. Does that make sense? Anyway I am thinking about her a lot lately. I am also thinking about a friend who died, at a young age, two months ago. I just got an email from his wife with a picture of me and my friend. It was a nice picture, but sad at the same time!

I have lots of other things to say, but the problem is I don't know if they are appropriate for the blogging world. I don't want to offend anyone with my thoughts. What do you think? Should people feel free to say whatever they think in the blogging world, or should we feel obliged to respect other's feelings?

Hope everyone has a great day!

5 1/2 months!

WOW I cannot believe my sweet little girl is 5 1/2 months old already! People tell you all the time that time goes quicker when you have kids, and you never really believe or understand it until you have children of your own. It is so crazy that 5 1/2 months has passed already! Its not even that A is 5 1/2, its that we are 5 1/2 months into the year. Where did the year go, and its only 6 months til Christmas! She is such an amazing little girl. Everyday she surprises me with new developments. I love going into her room in the morning and looking down at her with her big goofy smile on her face! She is the cutest little thing you have ever seen! She certainly knows who mommy and daddy are that is for sure! Everything is going great. She is eating well, sleeping well and overall doing awsome. I am a little bothered by the fact that she hasn't met my parents yet. They have only seen her over skype, but in about a month we will be going to AB to see my family, and some of my husband's family as well. It will be a great trip! I would say being a mom is the best job EVER!

High School..ugh

I have been out of high school for a very long time. I did not hate high school, but it was not the most memorable time either. Well here I find myself living it all over again...well sort of, without the drama. Ok not really, but I am reliving the two subjects I dreaded the most, biology and chemistry! Biology is not so bad, its the chemistry...yuck! I thought school was easier as you got older, I guess some subjects are forever to be your nemisis. Anyway I need these two courses to go back to school. I have decided I want to be a nurse. Well I have always known this, but it has taken me a long time to admit it fully and to do something about it! So that is what I am doing, being a full time mother, and a full time student. Although its only two subjects, its hard to re-learn the material and take care of a baby. Thank goodness she is such a good baby! So far I am getting the assignments done, but trust me I would rather do anything else! It feels like all I do is read. Anyway back to the books!

Ramblings

The last two months have been bitter sweet. For those who are new to this blog, let me update you, I had a baby and five days later my mom suddenly passed away.
For the most part I have been dealing with my mom's loss pretty well. However I do have my bad days, like tonight. My cold might have played a small part in my emotional turmoil. I don't feel good, and all I want to do is sleep but can't! But for the most part I have been missing my mom a lot lately! Not that I hadn't before, but as Allie gets older, I find myself thining of my mom a lot more! I am not sure what kind of parenting advice she would have given me, if you knew the relationship my mom and I had, you would ponder the same thing. We did not have a typical mother daughter relationship, however I would have liked to know what kind of advice she would have given me, or at least to know more about what I was like as a baby! I do have lots of other moms I can ask for advice, but its not the same as your own!
Anyway I hope this cold goes away fast! I am getting cabin fever. I have been indoors for two days, going on three, and I am going insane. I love hanging out with Allie, but we need to get out. Tomorrow there is a baby and mom class I would like to attend, but the fear of infecting other moms and babies is holding me hostage! We will see how I feel in the morning. Right now its not looking so good as I have trouble sleeping when I am sick! My nose hurts from blowing it so much, my eyes hurt, and my throat is scratchy!

The Birth of Allie Naveen Graham

This is a long post, so please feel free to skim, partly read, or not at all.

Today, December 27, 2010 you are 24 days old! The last 24 days have been so wonderfully amazing. I cannot even begin to describe to you the love your father and I have for you. You will come to understand this when you have children of your own. However, I have jumped ahead of myself a bit. Let me start by telling you about the last ten months! I found out we were going to have a baby in April of 2010. Being pregnant with you went failry well for the most part. Although I was sick and tired for the first three months, your dad and I were nothing but excited from the beginning. As the first trimester turned into the second, I was starting to gain more energy and an appetite. The third trimester was much like the first, except I was much more uncomfortable and much more tired. I worked up until the first week of December. The plan was to take the last two weeks off before you were born. The date expected was December 18^th. I figured that if I my last day December 3, 2010 was my last day, that would leave me plenty of time to get last minute tasks done before your arrival. However, it seems that you, like your mommy, you did not want to arrive on time, or late. You wanted to come early. Like mother like daughter I guess. So on December 2, 2010 your dad and I went about our day as planned. We both went to work, and because it was a Thursday, your dad was scheduled to go to the gym. I had stopped going to the gym two days prior. Anyway there were some errands we had to get done before dad’s class started, so I decided that I would just wait at the gym for dad to finish his workout. Well I am glad I was with dad because while sitting on the gym floor waiting, my water broke. It seems that you were a little anxious to make your appearance into the world!

At 7:30 pm my water broke, and by 7:45 we were running down the hall to labor and delivery. At first I wasn’t sure if my water had broken. I thought maybe I accidently peed myself, but as it turned out my water had definitely broke. For about two weeks prior people had been asking me if I had a hospital bag packed, of course being the procrastinator I am, I hadn’t packed. I thought why would I have it packed I still had two weeks to go. Anyway you called my bluff because I was not prepared at all. Of course it really wouldn’t have had mattered if I had one because we were not at home to grab the bag and we were using Aunt Lori and Uncle John’s car. Anyway so there we were, your dad and I sitting in labor and delivery waiting. After I had changed into a very nice hospital gown, the very nice nurse hooked me up to an IV. That was it, that hospital bed was home until you decided to make an entrance. Now after my water broke I thought I had limited amount of time to get to the hospital before you decided to come out, however I was wrong. After I was admitted, changed and hooked up, they told me I was only 1 cm dilated! 1 CM?!! I still had 9 more to go, I knew this would take a while. Dad went home to grab a few things before the real action started. Not long after, Aunt Lori and Uncle John came by to make sure things were ok. Aunt Lori decided to stay and help me push. Daddy and Lori were my coaches, and what big helps they were! After what seemed like an eternity it was finally time to push you out. Now I wanted to be hero like and do it all naturally, but listen there are no medals for doing it this way, and when you get pregnant remember this! There is nothing wrong with getting an epidural! It makes life a whole lot easier! Anyway so at 530 am it was time push. I pushed for what seemed like forever, really it was only an hour, and the doctor told me you needed to come down one more cm or I would have to have a C-section. Something I was trying to avoid, so I pushed harder than I have ever pushed. I pushed so hard I thought my eyes were going to pop out. Anyway I did it, I pushed you far enough down that you were making your way out. At 7:28 am on December 3, 2010 you were born. You weighed 6lbs and 13 ounces.

That first moment, when you let out that cry, it is hard to describe to you the emotions that we felt. As soon as we looked into your eyes, the pure joy, happiness and love that overwhelmed us was so enormous! Those emotions have stayed with us, and have been growing more every day! We spent four days in the hospital. Daddy stayed with us the whole time, taking care of us! He is such a great father and husband! While taking care of us, he also made sure that your grandparents out west knew of our great news! He called everyone we knew. Everyone was so thrilled. It was a bitter sweet time. Your Grampie and Grammie McCoy were not able to make it out to see you right away, but we made plans to see them that spring. On December 6 we arrived home to a very happy Grandma and Grandpa Graham. They came all the way from Florida to meet you! Like your dad and I, there were so happy you were finally here!

The first few days of your life were spent going to and from the hospital. You had quite the case of jaundice, and so we had to have you checked out daily to make sure it was going down. You spent at least four days in a billi Rubin bed, kind of like a tanning bed for babies! Though the bed was helping you, it was hard to leave you in that bed and not hold you. However those days helped enormously because it wasn’t long before the jaundice was on a steady decline! The next few weeks after that were very trying. Funnily enough you became the easiest part! Five days after you were born my mom, your grandma, died due to cardiac arrest. She was sick and didn’t realize it, and one day she just passed away at her home by herself. Well this was a quite a shock to my system. Although I had not seen my mom in a year, I was very close to her. We called her the minute you were born and holy was she excited! Daddy had sent pictures of you to everyone as soon as the next day via email, but grandma didn’t own a computer, so my mission was to send her pictures of her new granddaughter as soon as possible. Unfortunately timing was against us, and we were unable to send pictures in time. Grandma lived across the country, so even if I had put pictures in the mail, they would have not reached her in time. You would have loved her. She was funny, loving and caring. She was so excited to hear about you, and I know she would have loved to meet you. I know she is up in heaven looking down on you. She is your guardian angel, and you, Allie, are mine, you have kept me calm and focused through the trying times. Your dad also has been so awesome throughout everything. He is so helpful and supportive. There are no words to describe how much I love you and your dad! So to say the least December was a very eventful and bitter sweet month!

Your first Christmas was a good one. Grandma and Grandpa Graham were able to spend it with us. For only being three weeks old you sure did get spoiled. Your grandma D and Aunt Brandy and Uncle Kendall sure did spoil you, as did your grandma and grandpa graham! Aunt Lori and Uncle John came over for dinner, and while you slept, we played games, talked and laughed. It was a great holiday season. A little rough at times due to the unfortunate situation of grandma, but we managed to get through it! You made it a great holiday!

That is what went on through December. I cannot believe how much you have changed in 24 days! You get cuter and cuter as the days go on. It is heart wrenching how cute you are, and how much we love you. It’s amazing to me how you can love someone in such a short period of time. I mean I fell in love with your dad quickly, but not that quickly. We are talking seconds here, from the moment I laid eyes on you I fell in love with you! You are such a good baby. You sleep so well at night. You are not fussy. You are just a happy go lucky baby! It is also amazing how much personality you have acquired in 24 days. Sometimes I forget that you are a newborn because you have the greatest personality and mannerisms I have ever seen. They crack me up! You make us all laugh. We could watch you for hours, and sometimes we do! I have a feeling you will be a little daddy’s girl!